RC 8.3145, PPC HQ was currently far too quiet for the PPC, Agent Entropy decided, and thus, in accordance with the Laws of Narrative Comedy, a mission was long overdue. Instead of the usual chaos and *BEEP*ing of consoles, 8.3145 was filled only with a gentle dripping sound from a still in one corner, where Entropy's latest batch of Bleeprum was distilling away nicely, and the faint crackling of a mini-Balrog at rest from the fireproof corner where Isengrad was snoozing.
In fact, it was the quietest Entropy could recall the RC being for a very long time - since Agent Logan had moved in, complete with his violin and extensive CD collection - and Entropy was enjoying it. Logan could be far too random at times, and while he was mostly amusing, he did get on Entropy's nerves after a while.
"Can't say I was surprised,” Entropy muttered to himself, while moving over to the console and displaying the mission details.
A stream of cursing came from the bathroom, and Logan appeared, dressed in his uniform and toweling his hair. "They always send us missions at the worst possible times, don't they?" he grumbled, "I mean, they couldn't have waited five minutes for me to get out of the shower, no…"
Logan walked over to the console and started reading the mission details over Entropy's shoulder. Being taller than your partner by several inches has its advantages, after all.
"I know this one: a complete raging Boromance with either Elrond's niece or his sister in it - the Suethor couldn't decide, obviously. There's an MST of it going around."
"I can see why," Entropy replied, "'Listala' - such a nice name for a Sue. Sounds like a mouthwash."
"Or the female version of Lister from Red Dwarf," Logan added.
"Well, she's definitely screwing up canon – she’s forced Boromir so far out of character by making him a wangsty teen that he can't touch canon with a bargepole. In fact, I think we may have a case of complete character replacement here. And for some reason, it's set in 'Rivindell' – I wonder if Rivendell was unavailable?"
"Clearly, Elrond is renovating. I have a sneaking suspicion we may see many mini-Balrogs on this mission, Entropy."
Logan read ahead, and then grimaced. "She makes Legolas into a drunken abusive attempted rapist, too. When will these people read 'Laws and Customs of the Eldar'?" Logan asked.
"Logan, half this fic is lifted directly from the movie, so it seems the author can't even write scenes for herself. Do you honestly expect her to have read even Book!LoTR, let alone the History of Middle Earth?"
"You have a point there, Entropy... Come on, let's get going - this fic's not going to get any better if we wait." Logan said as he fiddled with the disguise generator. "It's set entirely in ‘Rivindell’, so I guess we'll be Generic Elves. Ready?" he asked, grabbing a falchion off the weapon rack, while Entropy grabbed a dagger.
"All set. Let's get this Sue" Entropy said, before pressing the portal button. A grey rectangle appeared in front of the console, and they walked through into the fic."
* * *
Rivindell appeared on the whole similar to Rivendell, but with some telling differences. All the buildings seemed bigger and ostentatious, and there was a large building that looked suspiciously too much like a palace for the Agents' liking. The portal had opened into a courtyard, and as the Agents stood there, Boromir rode in on a horse and dismounted.
Entropy pulled out the CAD and pointed it at Boromir: [Boromir. Human Male. Canon - Movieverse. Out of Character: 9.7%]. "That's surprisingly low," he commented.
"I guess it’s mostly due to this being in Rivindell, although Boromir does look slightly ill at ease," Logan said, "The words say he feels 'on guard', which is I guess could be possibly canon - after all, it's probably the first time he's seen Elves, but 'on guard' is a little excessive. 'Wary', maybe."
Entropy read the words, and saw that Boromir was here because he had been summoned by Elrond. "We're definitely in Movie-verse, here - Blond!Boromir, the horse, being summoned. Why can't it be book-verse, for once?"
"Oh, it’s both, En," Logan said, "I looked ahead, and we randomly drop into Book-verse for about two lines in the middle of this fic. Can I charge them for having Boromir being summoned, considering we have some Book-verse?"
"No, sorry. It's correct for movie-verse, and most of the fic is movie-verse. Blame PJ for that one"
"Oh, I will. Me and every other book LoTR fan…"
As they spoke, Legolas rode up and dismounted. Thanks to the Suethor's strange description, it made it look like Legolas was falling off the horse.
"Ah. This we can charge," Entropy said, " 'Causing an Elf to fall off a horse'. That makes one. Only three hundred or so remaining!" Entropy pulled out a notebook and jotted down the first charge accordingly.
Just then, Boromir started to speak and the CAD beeped accusingly.
"Bet he thinks he can just walk right in here and run the place since he's an elf," he grumbled, leading his horse to a 'young' elf stable hand, "I'll show him, I'll show all of them. The only reason any of them have a place to call home is because of the kingdom of Gondor and the brave men that reside there."
Logan looked at the CAD, and saw that the OOC rating had jumped to
56.3%. "Add another charge: Causing Boromir to act immature and petty."
A group of Dwarves arrived into the courtyard, provoking 'curled lips and dark looks' from the Elves, and causing Boromir to say
"Well, well," he said to himself, smirking, "Perhaps I can use their contempt for each other to my advantage."
Logan snickered. "He doesn't half sound like the villain from a B-movie, does he?" he said, adding 'Causing Boromir to plot world domination' to his charge list.
A red-bearded dwarf amongst the group was identified as Gimli, standing out because he 'seemed to always have an axe with him'. While the uneasiness between Elves and Dwarves was canonical enough, Boromir's comment that Gimli 'Probably wishes he could be in his mines deep in the ground' provoked a charge of 'Reinforcing Cultural Stereotypes', swiftly followed by a charge of 'Making Boromir Machiavellian' as Boromir apparently carefully watched each and every one of them as they arrived. He saw their weaknesses and strengths before they could compose themselves and put on their masks to hide their true selves.
"Come on!" Entropy said, "This author seems to think Boromir's this scheming bastard bent on enslaving Middle Earth. Sure, he was tempted by the ring - so was virtually every being in Middle Earth!"
A group of Elves came out of 'Rivendell' and led the guests to their quarters, stopping at a landing where 'three different staircases led different ways. One led forward, another down, and another up.' The effect was interesting, to say the least. Apparently, Escher was an Elf.
"General Abuse of Architecture,” Logan muttered, writing down yet another charge.
"Elves to the right and up, men straight, and dwarves left and down," the head elf said calmly, pointing out the direction as he indicated each race.
Entropy wrote 'Making 'Rivindell' society racially segregated' in his notebook.
This led to a badly written argument between Legolas and Gimli, with Legolas disparaging the dwarf for living in a cave, culminating in Gimli taking an axe-swing at Legolas and almost hitting Boromir.
"Legolas lived in a cave, too, you bloody Suethor," Logan muttered, "And despite the enmity between the Dwarves and Elves, they wouldn't have brawled in the midst of Rivendell. Or even in the midst of Rivindell, either.
Boromir grabbed the axe. "Hold!" he yelled, "Men, elves, dwarves hold."
Of course, because Boromir was exhibiting Special! Sue-Influence! Powers, the entire 'congregation' stopped their altercation instantly.
"Please," he said, letting go of the dwarf's axe, "Just go to where you're designated to go and get some rest."
"And who are you then to be telling us what to do?" Gimli asked, "You the king of the world or something?"
Boromir looked down at the dwarf, and never replied. Turning away from all of them, he walked towards the straight path ahead of them all, not looking back, he walked down the hall alone, with all of their eyes following him.
During this, all the Random Background Characters were too busy staring at Boromir to notice a pair of Elves standing to one side pretending to be violently ill.
"Dear Eru" Logan said, "Could this Suethor please make up her mind - either Boromir's evil and going to take over the world OR he's actually a sweet and peaceful guy who can amaze everyone one with his Super!Specialness. One or the other, idiot… And what sort of name is Vacara for an Elf, anyway?"
"Sounds like something you’d get on your foot.” Entropy responded.
“That’s it!” Logan said, “He must be the Verruca Gnome from Hogfather, in a very good disguise.”
“Notice how she's made Gimli an ungrateful, rude bastard with the argument skills of a four-year old. He's normally immune to Suethors, but this one's singled him out for attack." Entropy said, writing 'Abuse of the Character of Gimli'.
Logan looked up and laughed - thanks to the clumsy description, a swarm of eyeballs was following Boromir down the hall. "One charge of 'Manifesting random body parts," he said as he wrote the charge down.
"Can we skip the rest of this scene?" Entropy asked, "All it has is Boromir and a random Elf talking, and a bit of gratuitous foreshadowing."
"Suits me," Logan said, writing down the charge and pressing a button on the Remote Activator. The Agents walked through the resulting portal into the next scene.
Logan and Entropy walked straight into a scene from Fellowship, the one with Aragorn, Boromir and Narsil. Boromir won the 'All Middle Earth Prize for the Bleeding Obvious' when the Suethor felt the need to make him utter to Aragorn that "You are no elf,” but otherwise the scene progressed fairly close to Movie-canon.
The Suethor couldn't get anything completely right, however, and a small fiery demon - 'Narsill' - appeared behind a statue just as Boromir cut his finger.
"No more than a broken end," Boromir said, placing the sword back on its tray.
"I didn't think 'heirloom' was a particularly difficult word, did you, Logan?" Entropy asked, as he jotted down a charge of 'Misquoting the movie'.
"You'd think not, but you'd be wrong as it turns out," Logan replied, then frowned as the reason for Boromir not picking up the fallen sword was described as his not wanting to look foolish.
The Agents followed Boromir at a distance, just as he 'ran over' an elleth.
"Hit and Run! Boromir,” Logan chuckled, while his CAD beeped softly. Reading the display (Listala. Elf female. Non-canon. Mary Sue) he sighed. "And here we have our Sue. Note the 'piercing' blue eyes and the fact that Boromir is acting like a lovestruck teen. Classic Mary Sue characteristics."
Despite being an Elf, 'Listala' was 'only a few inches' shorter than Boromir, making her a very short Elf. ('Abuse of Elven Physiology', wrote Entropy). As Boromir stared love-struck into her eyes, the words directed the Agents' attention through a window, where Aragorn and Arwen's 'bridge meeting' could be seen in the background.
"Could she be any more gratuitous in lifting entire moments from the movie?" Entropy asked rhetorically. They could see Boromir being visibly besotted by the Sue's power, and Entropy's CAD now showed Boromir as being 76% OOC, in between ominous *bip* sounds, which suggested that the OOC-ness was beginning to strain the electronics.
Logan waited impatiently for the tawdry dialogue to finish, and then cursed as the Sue revealed that she was Elrond's niece, prompting another charge for the list, as well as further cases of misused commas. He followed the pair into an 'open courtyard’ filled with flowers.
"Redundant much, with the whole 'open courtyard' bit?" Entropy asked.
"Yeah," Logan agreed, "but I'm more worried by the 'perfume of crushed and newborn flowers' - sounds more than a little wrong."
"True. Do you mind if we skip this - I've had about enough badly written dialogue and/or direct movie quotes for the time being. We'll have more than enough badfic to get through tomorrow."
"Sure," Logan replied, "I don't need to see Boromir cry. In fact, I'd very much prefer not to. Let's just write down the rest of the charges and call it a night."
The agents found a deserted corner of the gardens - thankfully away from the 'crushed and newborn flowers' and spread out their bedrolls. Listala had retired to bed for the night, and so they were safe from notice from any non-canons until morning.
After a couple of half-hearted games of rummy played with cards salvaged from the uncharted depths of Logan’s backpack, Entropy curled up and fell asleep. Logan stayed up a little longer listening to CDs before turning in as well.
* * *
Entropy awoke first and started to munch on a muffin, trying not to wake Logan just yet. Logan was not a morning person at all, and tended to be irritable until he had properly woken up.
To pass the time, he started to read ahead in the words, noticing with distaste that Boromir had apparently spent an almost-sleepless night besotted with thoughts of Listala, so much so that Boromir resorted to random violence against items of furniture.
Entropy laughed in derision. “Fool of an author,” he said to himself, and retrieved the charge list from his pack. As he did, he accidentally dropped his pack, waking Logan, who began muttering curses about “clumsy partners waking him up at some ungodly hour,” and half-heartedly tried to thwap Entropy.
“Easy, Logan,” Entropy said as he backed out of reach of Logan’s flailing arms, “It is well after sunrise, and the Council’s about to begin. I was going to have to wake you soon, anyway.”
Logan grunted in response and grudgingly got out of his bedroll, then rummaged in his pack for some food, emerging with an apple.
“C’mon, Logan, the Council’s about to begin,” Entropy said, as he noticed several Elves leading the various men and dwarves toward the balcony/terrace where the Council would be held.
Hastily packing away his camping gear, Logan retrieved his sword and pack and hurried after Entropy, the two Assassins following Boromir and a generic Elf toward the Council.
They arrived on the balcony just in time to see Gimli griping about the Elven hospitality, prompting an inane exchange of insults between Legolas and Gimli during which both Elves and Dwarves were accused of not washing, with Elves being accused of wearing dresses. The insults quickly degenerated into full-blown yelling on both sides, prompting Boromir to think “Let them kill each other…What do I care?.”
“How much more character assassination against Boromir do we have to take?” Logan asked rhetorically, being prevented from further unanswerable musings by Aragorn breaking up the fight by asking what would happen if the “dark lord and all his forces come tearing through here.”
Entropy recognized the familiar sound of a mini-Balrog sizzling and turned to see a brooding-looking mini – presumably “dark lord” – watching the Council from the edge of the balcony. He fed the mini a scrap of raw bacon while fiddling with the remote activator to open a portal to OFUM. Looking as grateful as a miniature fiery demon ever does, dark lord stepped through the portal and disappeared.
Entropy turned back to the action at the sound of Logan laughing (softly, so as not to attract the attention of the canonicals) at the sight of the Council attendees all rushing to find a place “so as not to be left as the last one standing” – kind of like a silent version of musical chairs.
Finally, Elrond and Gandalf (described as “the Gray,” much to the annoyance of Logan, who muttered “Grey, Eru-dammit”) entered, along with Frodo, who was described as looking at once like a five-year old human and looking middle-aged.
“Surely not a five-year old human?” Entropy asked, jotting down a charge of 'Abuse of Hobbit Physiology'. “After all, Bergil took Pippin to be around ten when they met in Minas Tirith,” he continued.
Arwen and Listala then followed Frodo onto the balcony, stealing Elladan and Elrohir’s seats on either side of Elrond, accompanied by Logan’s CAD beeping in distress.
Just then, Elrond stood up and began his opening Council speech, lifted straight from the movie. Boromir rose and began to tell of his dream: a pale light lingering in the west, and a voice crying that doom was at hand because “Isildur’s bain” had been found.
“Isildur’s bain?” Logan said, laughing, “I wonder if this Suethor knows any French? The doom of Middle Earth at hand because Isildur’s long-lost bathtub has been found!”
“I doubt it,” Entropy said, “Still, it makes for a funny typo.”
True to the words, beside the pedestal on which Frodo placed the Ring, an ornate black and white bathtub bearing the motif of the White Tree appeared – presumably Isildur’s bathtub.
“We have to claim that for the RC, Entropy” Logan said, as Entropy jotted down the charge, “I’m sure we can find room for it by knocking down a wall or two and extending the bathroom.”
“Suppose so,” Entropy replied, as Gandalf stood up in response to Boromir and began speaking in Black Speech. Entropy noticed with distaste that Listala was the only Elf not to cover her ears – apparently “she wanted to hear these words so as to know what to listen for,” and Boromir blamed himself for Listala’s pain at being so stupid to force herself to listen to the Black Speech.
Listala obviously recovered from her pain quickly, because she stole one of Aragorn’s lines, which shocked the Council, since they apparently expected Arwen and Listala to sit there and “be a light distraction from the toils of the council, offering a nice image to look at every once in a while, but never to speak.”
“Way to go, making the entire Council chauvinist,” Entropy complained as he wrote down the charge. Soon, Legolas and Gimli were arguing over who would take the Ring. Boromir “knew this was the time to encourage their anger, this was what he could use it for.”
Elrond appeared less than impressed when Listala spoke again, and he gave her the patented Elven death stare. “Good old Peredhil,” Logan said. “Shows he’s not completely taken in by the Sue influence.”
The council ended as Elrond declared that they would be the Fellowship of the Ring.
“Does that mean we can skip a bit?” asked Logan.
“Afraid not,” said Entropy. “I’ve checked the Words, and we have to endure a catfight between Arwen and Listala first.
"You can't get mixed up with that one," Arwen pointed over Listala's shoulder at Boromir, who was also waiting for the elf maiden he loved.
Listala wasn't asking it as a whiney 'please can I?' question, she was saying it in a demanding tone. Like 'why do you care,' or, 'tell me why and maybe I'll take your warning seriously, if it's a reasonable one.'
Logan and Entropy covered their ears as the mid-text author’s note boomed from the sky.
Fortunately, Aragorn soon broke up the catfight, and departed with Arwen, leaving Boromir to comfort Listala while she angsted about how everyone hated her (true enough) for being different from them, and for being Elrond’s sister!
“Hang on,” Logan said, “I thought she was his niece.”
“Apparently she’s Elrond’s sister, but because she’s younger than Arwen, she pretends that she’s Elros’ daughter.”
Logan looked increasingly confused as Entropy tried to explain the Sue’s bizarre heritage. “Wait, what?” he asked.
“I don’t follow it either, Logan.”
The Agents followed Boromir and the Sue into “a very small courtyard…more of a box with flowers in it, with only one bench.” Logan and Entropy taking care to keep as far away from the Sue as possible so that she didn’t accidentally bump into them. Even Boromir might wonder why two Generic Elves were crowding into a small box/courtyard. Even if it did have flowers in it.
Logan pretended to gag as Boromir and the Sue leaned in and kissed. Suddenly, both Assassins had to squeeze flat against the wall as Legolas and Vacara burst into the box/courtyard and pulled Boromir off Listala. Entropy couldn’t help but think that Boromir looked secretly relieved to be separated from the Sue.
As the Suethor correctly described, it was a very small courtyard, and with Boromir, Listala, Legolas, Vacara and the two Assassins, it was very cramped indeed.
The resulting fistfight where Legolas and Vacara ganged up on Boromir didn’t help things at all as far as the Assassins trying to escape notice went.
It was all Logan and Entropy could do to avoid being hit themselves as punches started to fly. Then, due to the Suethor missing a comma, Boromir punched Vacara, which resulted in Vacara flying and striking Boromir in the stomach. Somehow.
“Hang on – Boromir hits the Verruca Gnome, and sends him flying, but he comes back and strikes Boromir in the stomach. What is he, a Boomerang!Elf?” Logan asked.
“Didn’t we already establish that Escher designed Rivindell, Logan?” Entropy reminded him. “Still, it counts as a charge.”
Boromir called the fisticuffs to a halt by reminding Legolas that they shouldn’t fight because they were on the same “team” – the Fellowship.
After a bit of posturing, Legolas left the box/courtyard with bad grace, dragging Vacara with him – who was barely conscious after the fight.
“Quick, Logan, now’s our chance. The Verruca Gnome doesn’t appear in this fic anymore. Time to get rid of him.”
“Ok, then” Logan responded. “What do we do about Legolas, though? He appears at the end of the fic.”
“I think we’ll have more than enough to charge this Sue by then, so we can return him to the real Rivendell. I don’t plan on staying in this fic any longer than necessary. We just need to get him through a portal, then you distract him, and I’ll neuralyse him,” Entropy said, pulling a pair of sunglasses out of his pack and putting them on, and retrieved the remote activator from his pack.
Entropy and Logan rapidly caught up to Legolas, who was walking slowly due to having to support Vacara. Logan tapped Legolas on the shoulder.
“Excuse me, hir nin. Can I help you?” he asked.
As Legolas turned around, Entropy stepped forward. “Legolas Thranduillion? Please look over here,” he said, holding up a neuralyser. Logan closed his eyes as Entropy triggered the neuralyser.
Freed from the author’s influence, Legolas let go of Vacara, who hit the generic undescribed ground surface with a heavy thump. The bit character groaned as he tried to stand. Entropy pushed him down to the ground, holding a dagger against the Elf’s throat.
“Vacara the Elf,” Logan said, “you are charged with being a bit character, having an anachronistic name is not from any known Elven language, breaking the laws of physics, and annoying PPC Agents. For these charges, you are sentenced to death. You do not get any last words. Entropy, do the honours.”
Entropy had no trouble in dispatching the half-stunned Elf. Legolas looked shocked at the sight of the slain Elf and started to protest.
“He was a Marty Stu, Prince Legolas,” Logan said, “A creature of Morgoth”. Understanding dawned on Legolas’ face.
“You should be in Imladris with Lord Elrond now,” said Entropy, triggering a portal in front of Legolas, “Follow me and we will take you there.”
The Elf followed Entropy through the portal, arriving just outside Rivendell. Entropy neuralysed Legolas once more and stepped through the portal, returning to Rivindell.
“I hope I don’t get in trouble from Upstairs for neuralysing him twice,” he said, “Legolas is a frequent enough visitor to FicPsych without us sending him in there.”
“He should be fine,” Logan said, “He’s been through far worse. Anyway, we have to get rid of this Sue. She and Boromir have gone back to his room. You missed another mid-text author’s note, while you were in the portal. Just in case you thought Boromir and Listala were canoodling in his room.”
“I did not need that mental image, Logan,” Entropy said, stopping to grab some Bleeprin from his pack, before following Logan to Boromir’s room.
The Agents arrived just in time to hear Listala explain her history with Legolas to Boromir:
"Well, you see, I've grown up living with my unc-brother, Lord Elrond and my cous-niece Arwen Evenstar. I've known Aragorn and Legolas all my life, actually I've only known Aragorn all his life, but anyway, it seemed natural to everyone that Arwen and I would marry either Legolas or Aragorn
The story continued with a drunken Legolas trying to rape Listala, then when she forced him off, he proposed to her! When she rejected him, he took solace with not one but three “elf maidens”.
Logan’s eye began twitching throughout the tale as he struggled to control his anger at the Suethor and her slanders against Tolkien’s elves.
Boromir’s only response was to give Listala a piece of plain unadorned leather that used to belong to his mother, tying it around her neck. For no apparent reason, Listala then led Boromir out of the room and through the corridors of Rivindell towards her room.
As they left the room, Logan’s self-control broke and he began yelling.
“Flaming Denethor on a pogo stick!” he exclaimed, “Has she no idea of who Legolas is? He’s an Elf. They are NOT rapists, and they do NOT have rampant orgies. Dear Eru, the good Professor must be rolling in his grave!”
“Shh, Logan,” Entropy said. “They’ll hear us! They’re not that far away, and even canons will notice if you yell enough.”
“I don’t care, Entropy! That’s enough. This Sue dies now.”
Logan stormed off down the corridor after the Sue, sword in hand. Entropy hurried to keep up.
They arrived at Listala’s room to see her putting a silver pendant with black markings around Boromir’s neck.
“This will keep you safe,” she said.
“No it bloody will not!” Logan roared as he burst through the door.
“Mary Sue, aka Listala, you are charged with disruption to the canon of Lord of the Rings; multiple abuses of Tolkien’s characters, most notably Boromir, Legolas and Gimli; being Elrond’s sister AND niece at the same time; making Elven society sexist; changing the sexual mores of Tolkien’s Elves by making Legolas a philandering rapist; using the words “unc-brother” and “sis-niece”, and a whole bunch of other charges, including infuriating PPC Agents. For these, and other crimes against canon, you are sentenced to death. Any last words?”
“Boromir! My love! Save me!” she said, clinging to him.
Boromir took a swing at Logan, catching the Agent on the shoulder. Logan staggered from the force of the punch, but Entropy crash tackled Boromir, overbalancing him so that he fell.
As Merry and Pippin demonstrated in Hollin, being short has the distinct advantage of a low centre of gravity when tackling a taller opponent.
Logan moved quickly while Boromir was down and hit Listala on the head with the pommel of his falchion, knocking her out. As the Sue lost consciousness and her influence on the world receded, Boromir stopped struggling.
“Phew,” Entropy said as he got to his feet, followed by Boromir, who looked confused as to why he was on the floor with a couple of Generic Elves, “That was a close one, Logan.”
“Yeah,” Logan replied, massaging his shoulder, “The Captain of Gondor here throws a mean punch.”
Boromir looked sick as he saw the unconscious form of Listala and memory reared its ugly head. He tore off the silver Sue pendant around his neck and threw it to the floor.
“Yes, Lord Boromir. A Mary Sue. And a particularly loathsome one at that”, Entropy said, bending down to retrieve his sunglasses from where they had flown across the room, “We are here to take you away from her.”
Entropy pressed a button on the portally-thingy, opening a portal to Rivendell, then raised the neuralyser and triggered it.
“Step through here, he said. Boromir stepped through the portal and Entropy closed it.
“Now, to get rid of this Sue” he said.
“I think I know just the way” said Logan. “If you check the rest of the Words, she somehow ends up on dead on the Elven boat with Boromir. If that’s what she wants, that’s what we’ll give her. Apart from the boat, that is… Open a portal to Tol Brandir, Entropy.”
* * *
Dragging Listala’s unconscious form through the portal, Logan and Entropy appeared on Tol Brandir, shrouded in the mists of Rauros.
“You have any rope, Entropy?” Logan asked.
“Actually, yes.” responded Entropy, “I took a leaf out of Sam’s book.”
“Good” said Logan. “Tie her hands and feet, then.”
Once the Sue was firmly trussed, Logan and Entropy dragged her unconscious form to the edge of the island.
“You grab her legs, Logan, I’ll get her head”.
“Ok, over the edge in 3… 2…1…”
The Agents let go of the Sue, who sailed in an ungraceful arc out into the channel of Anduin. Logan and Entropy watched as the dark form of the Sue drifted to the edge of the falls and then disappeared into the foaming water of Rauros.
“You know,” said Logan as they walked back to the portal. “We may be the first people to actually stand on Tol Brandir. According to the Professor no one in canon has, so unless some other Agents got here first…”
“We’ll have to check with personnel one day.”
“Problem is, that would involve talking to the Marquis de Sod.”
“Ah,” responded Entropy. “Maybe we just let this one slide, then.”
“Less we talk to Upstairs, the better. Especially since I think we may have given Boromir a concussion when you tackled him.”
“Hey, I was trying to stop you from being beaten up by the Captain of Gondor, you fool”
“I know, I know” soothed Logan, “But HQ might look at it differently. Anyway, we still have Elrond, Arwen and Aragorn stuck in Rivindell. Plus the question of what to do with Rivindell itself.”
“Back to the portal, then,” Entropy replied.
* * *
After returning to Rivindell, the Agents neuralysed Elrond, Arwen and Aragorn and returned them to Rivendell via portal.
“Now, what do we do with Rivindell, Entropy?” Logan asked.
“I didn’t bring any explosives with me this time. I guess we have two options: pay a visit to Saruman and borrow some blasting fire, or else call in DoGA.” Entropy responded.
“I think DoGA. I think Saruman might notice if we run off with his gunpowder. I’ll send a message to the Bonsai Mallorn’s office asking them to send a team. But first, we must return to the balcony where the Council was.”
* * *
“Why is this so freaking heavy?” Logan complained as he backed out of the portal into RC 8.3145, followed by a very heavy ornate metal bathtub, then Agent Entropy, almost doubled up under the load.
“This was your idea, Logan. You don’t get to complain… There,” Entropy said as he rested his end of the bathtub on the floor of the RC.
“You could at least help me knock some walls down”. Logan said. “Now, I’m off to the armoury to borrow a sledgehammer.”
Entropy began to unpack his mission backpack, returning various supplies to their appointed place on Entropy’s meticulously neat workbench. Logan returned with a sledgehammer soon after, and the RC reverberated to the satisfying thump of a heavy object impacting on Generic Surface.
Entropy grabbed a couple of vials of random chemicals from his supply cabinet and inspected the labels, then got out a beaker and various items of complicated glassware and soon had an ominous-looking green solution bubbling away.
Finally, Logan emerged and began to drag the heavy bathtub into the bathroom. After a minute or two, Entropy took pity on him and helped move the bath.
“Just the thing after a long, annoying mission,” Logan said, “I’m going to enjoy this bath. It’ll be fit for a king: Isildur’s Bain”.
Logan disappeared into RC 8.3145’s bathroom, a towel over his shoulder. There was the sound of running water.
Entropy only rolled his eyes and waited for the Ironic Overpower to kick into gear.
He returned to his workbench, inspecting his solution, which was now an interesting shade of purple and giving off steam. As he stirred the mysterious liquid, he heard a sigh of contentment from the bathroom.
All seemed peaceful… for about three seconds.
“Oh, Glaurung!” Logan shouted.
The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, used with permission. Mini-Balrogs belong to Miss Cam, bless their little fiery hearts. The Lord of the Rings, Silmarillion and Unfinished Tales belong to the great Professor Tolkien. The badfic on which this is based is the property of its author, although it's been so long since I started to write this that I forget where it's located. Entropy and Logan are mine, and all other Agents appear courtesy of their respective authors. This fic was also MST'ed by boz4pm, to whom I apologise if I've inadvertently stolen some jokes.