Usual disclaimers apply: Laburnum and Foxglove are (c) chelonianmobile a.k.a. Laburnum. Logan and Kern are (c) Elcalion. Murdoc Niccals, Stuart Pot a.k.a. 2D, and the briefly-mentioned Russel Hobbs, Paula Cracker, and Noodle (c) Jamie Hewlett and Damon Albarn. The aforementioned Jamie and Damon are (c) themselves, as are Dennis Hopper and Suzi Winstanley, though their real selves are presumably absolutely nothing like they're portrayed here. The fic is (c) its writer, and can be found here: Part 1 and Part 2
This fic is rated NC-17 for sexual content.
This MST is set in early 2010, and was co-written with Laburnum.
(Scene: PPC HQ movie theatre. Laburnum and Foxglove are in the front row. In the seat between them is a very sulky-looking Murdoc Niccals. He is shirtless, wearing only jeans, Cuban-heeled boots, and an inverted cross, as usual, and chewing irritably on the cigarette he's smoking. The girls are in their pyjamas; Laburnum in mens' striped T-shirt, lounge pants, and socks, Foxglove in neon-pink vest and shorts with a kitten print and matching fluffy slippers. Laburnum's axe is lying under the seats, along with their backpacks.)
LABURNUM: Hi, I'm Laburnum ...
FOXGLOVE: And I'm Foxglove ...
BOTH: And welcome to Mystery Science Theatre!
FOXGLOVE: Say hello to Mr Murdoc Faust Niccals, bassist of the notorious band Gorillaz, who's volunteered to help with the riffing today.
MURDOC: I did not volunteer, you little buggers, you dragged me in at axepoint!
LABURNUM: Axes don't really have points.
LABURNUM: Consider it payback for the melodica thing.
MURDOC: You're still on about that?! Hittin' me with a bell wasn't enough? And I dunno about HQ time, but from my point of view that whole business was about ten years ago! Back in Phase 1, remember?
FOXGLOVE: You laid hands on a PPCer. You're gettin' off lightly.
LABURNUM: Oh yeah. One guy who touched me without permission discovered the hard way that it's possible to have a scythe handle jammed up your rectum without your trousers being removed first. You, on the other hand, may actually enjoy this. I mean, come on, you get to make fun of people! Isn't that like your third favourite thing next to sex and money? Or fourth next to those and mind-altering substances?
MURDOC: Well, yeah, but the thing I'm s'posed to be making fun of is a dirty fanfic about Jamie and Damon. From my point of view, that feels kind of like watching my parents fuck. And depraved I may be, but some things I just don't want to think about.
FOXGLOVE: Tough. *calls to projection booth* So, we're ready when you are, guys.
(Drake, in human form, leans out of the booth window.)
DRAKE: Okay, we're getting it set up. Just be a minute.
MURDOC: *looks up at Drake, smirks, and starts to say something*
LABURNUM: *poking Murdoc* Before you get any ideas, I should probably point out that Drake is a boy.
MURDOC: *hiding surprise and trying to sound innocent* Did I say anything?
LABURNUM: No, but he has that effect on people. Don't worry, you're not the first. *to Drake* Looking good, but you might wanna grow the goatee back.
DRAKE: Thanks. *fluffs hair* Thought I should use this. Didn't wanna freak out the new human. Hi, Mr Niccals. *waves* I don't really know much about you but the girls say you're cool and I loved "Feel Good Inc".
MURDOC: *to self* Hm. Scrawny spiky-haired over-cheerful vaguely faggy little ditz ... he reminds me of someone, but I can't think who.
FOXGLOVE: *whispers to Murdoc* Just don't ask him to sing. Trust me on that.
(The door to the theatre opens, and Agents Logan and Kern wander in. Logan is wearing a dark blue button-down shirt and jeans, Kern is wearing his Jedi robes. Logan is carrying a backpack.)
LOGAN: Um... Hi? We got a message on our console asking us to turn up here... Oh, hi, Laburnum! Hey, Foxglove!
(Logan does a double take, noticing Murdoc for the first time.)
LOGAN: *weakly* Hi ... scary green shirtless guy.
KERN: *warily* Do I want to know why you're all in various states of undress?
LOGAN: Have you been playing strip poker or something?
MURDOC: "Shirtless guy"? "Shirtless guy"? Don't you know who I am?!
LABURNUM: Clearly not, or they'd have used your name. Hi, guys - Murdoc, this is Logan and Kern; guys, this is Murdoc Niccals. Ignore the shirtlessness, he does that all the time. He's the bass player for the cartoon band Gorillaz, and the fic we're riffing is a real-person fic about Jamie Hewlett and Damon Albarn, the two guys who created the band. Jamie's the cartoonist and Damon's the voice actor for the lead singer. Within the cartoon canon Murdoc's the mastermind behind it all, and he's got the ego to match.
MURDOC: *smirks and mock-bows as well as he can while sitting down* True.
LOGAN: Gorillaz, eh? Can't say I've ever heard any of their stuff. Still, badfic is badfic.
KERN: Real-person fic? *looks squicked and checks pockets of his Jedi robe for Bleeprin*
MURDOC: Well, they're presumably not actually gonna be recognisable as the people they're supposed to be, so we shouldn't fuss too much.
DRAKE: Uh, guys, he's got a point, though - why are you in your PJs?
FOXGLOVE: Because there's no power on earth which can make Murdoc Niccals remain fully-clothed, and if he gets to go around half-dressed, so do we.
LABURNUM: And she wouldn't let me ditch my shirt.
FOXGLOVE: Considering the company, I thought it was a bad idea.
LOGAN: *unbuttons shirt*
KERN: That doesn't mean you can go running around shirtless, either, Logan.
LOGAN: *scowls* *rebuttons shirt, but not all the way up* *mutters* Stuck-up prudish Jedi.
KERN: What was that?
LOGAN: *airily* Nothing... *calls up to Drake* Hey, Miss, you should probably start the reel now. Sooner we get it over with the better.
DRAKE: Uh, I'm not a ... oh, nevermind.
(Drake goes back into the booth. Logan and Kern sit down next to Foxglove. Lights go down. 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...)
LABURNUM & FOXGLOVE: WE'VE GOT STORY SIGN!
THIS IS MY ATTEMPT TO REVITALIZE THIS COMMUNITY. We all know its not just gorillaz Jamie and Damon discuss. Well, i've had this fic written for a while now, and i have proofread it since i first put it up.
KERN: Somehow, I doubt that very much.
Hopefully its ok...
FOXGLOVE: I don't know yet, but grammar errors in the summary really aren't promising.
Like it or not
MURDOC: We won't.
Pairing: Damon/Jamie, slight Tuds
FOXGLOVE: And we have a new contender for dumbest-sounding pairing smoosh name ever.
LABURNUM: Worse than Spuffy?
MURDOC: “Smoosh name”? What?
LABURNUM: You'll find out ... *shuffles away from him*
LOGAN: *is trying to figure out what "Tuds" is*
FOXGLOVE: *leans over and whispers to Logan and Kern* Murdoc's name often gets shortened to "Muds". You'll see who else is involved later on. The writer just smashed their names together.
MURDOC: *overhears her, ponders, dawning comprehension, expression of horror, looks longingly at the door*
LABURNUM: *pokes Murdoc and holds up her axe meaningfully*
Rating: sex, though somehow i always tend to roleplay things more graphic..i dont know why.
Disclaimer: Dont know them, didnt happen, though i certainly can imagine it.
LABURNUM: Well, I can imagine plenty of things, that doesn't mean I think they should happen. 'Specially the ones I imagine when I'm drinking ...
Note: I wrote and posted this on deviantart a while ago, i just proofread it cuz I found some things wrong with it.
MURDOC: I'm sure we'll find plenty more! You kids got any booze? I need some help to get through this thing.
FOXGLOVE: Sorry. New theatre rules, no more alcohol in here. People threw up too often.
LOGAN: Wait, you invited us to a badfic screening with no alcohol? That is not cool.
KERN: I have a bad feeling about this. Last time Logan was forced to watch badfic without alcohol, it did not end prettily.
LABURNUM: Look, we have plenty of alcohol for when it's over and we're gonna see if we can get that rule repealed, so hang in there for now ... meantime, we can use these. *produces Bleepettes*
MURDOC: *to self, while lighting Bleepette from the dogend of his previous smoke* I'm stuck watching bad gay porn about Jamie and Damon with the risk of a cameo from myself and the dullard, with two ugly fangirls and two blokes who claim they've never heard of me, and no alcohol until it's finished. I'd ask what I did to deserve this, but the list would take all month ... *shrugs, drops used cigarette and stomps it out on the floor*
LOGAN: *surreptitiously unbuttons his shirt*
Its part one of a series that only has two parts so far.
LOGAN: "So far"? You mean she's thinking of writing more?
LABURNUM: Don't worry, this thing's been up for ages. I don't think there's gonna be more.
KERN: If there is, do we have to come back and riff it?
LABURNUM: *crosses fingers behind back* No.
"TAKE MY HAND, DOWN TO NEVER NEVER LAND!" Jamie Hewlett screeched as he showered in his England home.
KERN: Wow, his home is the entire country of England?
LOGAN: Well, you know how cartoonists are. Not content to just have an English home, he has to have the entire country.
KERN: It's well-known that Charles M. Schultz's house eventually covered the entirety of both America AND Canada.
FOXGLOVE: The author's apparently American, so maybe she really does think the UK is that small.
Singing "Enter Sandman" made him forget all of his troubles about last night, since for some odd reason, that song was playing in his dream.. Jamie had gotten so drunk last night that he wasn't sure what had happened.
FOXGLOVE: My sympathies. You might wanna check for tattoos and parking tickets.
MURDOC: And anything you might have set on fire.
FOXGLOVE: Who told you about- um, I mean, er, nothing.
All he knew is that somebody's lips were on his and that it was the most exhilarating experience. One of his troubles was that he had a visitor, well multiple visitors downstairs in his living room. Damon Albarn was sitting in the couch downstairs
KERN: In the couch? It's made of carbonite?
sipping the tea some random celebrity provided. He sat, chatting with the other occupant, Mr. Dennis Hopper, about something random.
MURDOC: So some random people are randomly sitting around randomly talking about something random. Wow, you can just see the effort she's putting into it, can't you? Clearly this is a work of painstaking care and attention to detail!
LABURNUM: Careful, you're gonna drown us in sarcasm before we even start.
This time, it was about the fandom, and rabid fangirls.
FOXGLOVE: I'd have thought you'd try to avoid thinking about them.
MURDOC: They have their uses.
"Oh yeah so apparently a couple of fans are pairing you guys together." Dennis Hopper chuckled at the thought.
KERN: Because that totally randomly comes up in conversation all the time.
LABURNUM: Well, with our friends it sometimes does, but I doubt it would with these guys.
"O-oh really??" Damon questioned, turning a slight shade of pink in embarrassment and possible guilt. "Jamie and I?" Laughing, Dennis Hopper nearly spilled his tea,and the near tea spill brought him back to reality.
FOXGLOVE: *raps* "Oh, there goes gravity, oh-"
MURDOC: *thwaps her over the head*
With that relevation, he realized that there was some horrid screeching noise coming from the upstairs.
MURDOC: Huh. I was wondering where my pet raven went ...
"What is that?" Dennis asked.
"Oh." Damon paused. "Well, see...Jamie...."
MURDOC: ... is being murdered in the shower. Like that bird in Psycho. That screeching's just the theme music.
FOXGLOVE: Don't sound so hopeful.
LOGAN: *air violins*
"AHA!" Dennis triumphantly pointed at Damon.
LABURNUM: But they just said they're in Jamie's house. Why is he surprised Jamie is there?
"NOO! You didnt even listen Dennis!!!!!!" Damon roared.
LOGAN: Uh oh. *counts exclamation points* Five. A sure sign of an unhinged mind, according to PTerry.
"I'mma tell you this once, alright, listen to me here. Jamie was locked out of his house when he was drunk at that party, and obviously I couldn't leave him." Damon tried to explain.
"So he slept with you? AWWW THATS SO CUTE!!!" Dennis suddenly had a devilish gleam in his eye.
MURDOC: Dennis Hopper has been replaced with a thirteen-year-old girl. This does not bode well.
"No. He didn't. He slept in the guest room. He was really drunk though." Damon, again, tried to explain.
"AWWW thats great!!" Dennis was absolutely hooting.
FOXGLOVE: Now he's been replaced with an owl?
"SHADDUP!" Damon roared.
"Whats going on?" Jamie was still wrapped in a towel with his gleaming, slightly damp chest open to the air, while he was looking at the scene in a sort of confusion.
LABURNUM: What? Did he forget they were in the house? Who wanders in to greet guests wearing only a ... *looks at Murdoc* Oh yeah.
MURDOC: Hey, I did that once! Or twice ...
"Nice singing Jamie." Dennis sneered in a playful way.
Jamie froze, his eyes locked on the scene. His face reddened,
LABURNUM: Like a big emerald.
FOXGLOVE: Isn't that a little obscure?
and he rushed upstairs, muttering something about "those nasty fuckers" and getting dressed.
"Right, well, I will see you later!" Dennis waved goodbye and soon dissapeared from sight, muttering "Haha I love those fans."
MURDOC: I don't, if they do stuff like this.
The door slammed, and Damon breathed a sigh of relief, sinking onto the couch that he and Jamie slept on. "Damn, what will the paparazzi say about this?"
"Hey, whats up?" Jamie came downstairs, topless, his chest shiny and nicely shaped.
FOXGLOVE: Round is a shape!
KERN: Jamie's a girl?
"Jamie, I'm busy."
"What did Dennis want?"
LABURNUM: To escape this story.
Jamie sat next to the irritable Damon, leaning against the back of the couch. "Thanks for letting me sleep"
"Jamie, please. I'll call you later. I just need you to leave right now."
"Oh. Ok." Jamie walked reluctantly out of Damon's house, whistling the chorus of "Don't Fear the Reaper"'
LABURNUM: What the fuck? They were in Jamie's house a page ago!
FOXGLOVE: And did he just walk out onto the street shirtless?
MURDOC: Man after my own heart.
LOGAN: *takes the opportunity to surreptitiously unbutton a few more buttons of his shirt*
KERN: *sighs, decides it's not worth making a point over, pretends not to notice*
Once he was gone, Damon regretted his crabby attitude towards Jamie. Running behind him, screaming "JAMIE!!!",
LOGAN: Fanbrat attack! Run, you fool!
Damon caught up to him a couple blocks away, his mind reeling at last night's adventure. Both Damon and Jamie were invited to a party, where alcohol was mandatory.
MURDOC: *glares up at projection booth* Wish it was here.
That night, it began alright, drinking the heavenly beer, talking and chatting up the other partygoers. Then the party suddenly changed for the pair. Both of them had a bit too many beers and suddenly found themselves all over each other, entertwined on a couch at a celebrity's place.
FOXGLOVE: It's where you're entertainingly intertwined.
LOGAN: So they were playing "Twister"?
KERN: On a couch?
LOGAN: Okay, so they were playing three-dimensional twister. Half the mat is vertical. It just makes it harder to play.
LABURNUM: Yeah, that does sound pretty entertaining.
Damon didn't know how Jamie felt, but on the couch next to him, he felt the happiest he had ever felt in his entire life. "Could I be? Was it just the alcohol that affected our behavior?"
ALL: *in perfect unison* Yes!
Damon thought, remembering the tender kisses that soon gave him a sort of rush of adrenaline that only could happen between them, at that moment. The question about their true feelings for each other remained a mystery.
MURDOC: Someone call Baker Street. The sooner it's solved, the sooner we can leave.
"Jamie, sorry for being so rude. About last night, I really," Damon looked apologetic
FOXGLOVE: *as Damon* "-can't be bothered to finish the sentence I- ..."
Jamie looked deep into Damon's blue eyes that were full of emotion. Now sober, Damon looked at the other man's face and felt a rush of adrendaline,
LABURNUM: Not to be confused with adrenaline.
his heart rising in his chest. Stepping closer, Jamie looked like he was about to say something, but instead raised a hand and gently cupped Damon's cheek and chin in his hands, so gentle that it felt like there was nobody there.
KERN: So what's the point of doing it?
"Damon, Its ok. I understand."
MURDOC: Glad he does, I'm starting to have trouble.
Leaning closer to Jamie, Damon extended his arms
LOGAN: *snerks* Go-Go Gadget Arms!
and wrapped them around Jamie, feeling every bit of his warmth, rubbing his hands on the other man's body. Jamie's body responded, and he wrapped his arms around him, aware that the lower region was hardening,
MURDOC: What, all of it? How's he gonna walk?
LABURNUM: Damon's secretly a gorgon! He's turning Jamie to stone!
LOGAN: Or else Jamie's secretly a troll.
FOXGLOVE: Or the author is, which wouldn't surprise me at all.
and that his heart was pounding out of his chest.
KERN: Ew, messy.
LABURNUM: Quick, someone fetch a jar of dirt.
"Hey, lets go back, not just stand here. Thats how I almost lost you the last fucking time." He was of course, referring to the car crash.
FOXGLOVE: Wait, what car crash?
MURDOC: This one. Pay attention there.
"GORILLAZ-GORILLAZ GORILLAZ!" the fans chanted, mobbing Jamie and Damon in the streets after a crazy concert/showing of Monkey: Journey to the West. "Come on, lets get back to the car." The entire crew piled into the limo that was provided, and the driver set off.
A slow song played in the limo's stereo, and the tired Gorillaz and Damon and Jamie relaxed in the back.
FOXGLOVE: Waitwaitwait. Are the Gorillaz still supposed to be cartoon characters here?
MURDOC: Oi, if you've got a problem with me bein' a cartoon character, take it up with me, okay? Don't you go bein' racist towards the animated community around me.
FOXGLOVE: No, it's not that, it's just ... this wasn't marked as being part of the cartoon canon, it was on a Real Person Fic community. So ... is it miscategorised, a crossover, or just plain weird?
KERN: Can I vote for "just plain weird"?
Leaning against Damon's shoulder, Jamie fell asleep and eventually toppled into Damon's lap, where a gentle hand petted and smoothed his hair with much passion and lust.
LOGAN: They don't say that "Damon's hand" petted and smoothed his hair, so I guess the gentle hand must belong to someone else.
MURDOC: Don't look at me!
KERN: Maybe it's Thing from The Addams Family?
LOGAN: So, the band, Damon and Jamie are riding round in a limo with the Addams Family?
MURDOC: *grins* Mm, Morticia ...
Damon very carefully layed next to the snoozing Jamie, smelling his delicious and arousing scent. Holding onto Jamie tightly and instinctively, Damon smiled in his sleep and knawed on little bits of Jamie's hair.
LABURNUM: Yeah, hairballs are totally sexy.
FOXGLOVE: Never underestimate the power of VO5!
LOGAN: *mimics shampoo ad and flicks hair* Because you're worth it!
Eventually, their faces were inches apart rubbing their soft skin together, soon waking up and finding each other's lips.
MURDOC: With Noodle right there? Tsk. *notices Laburnum and Foxglove staring* What? Exhibitionist I may be, but I have never actually started fucking someone in front of Noodle! Couldn't if I tried. *shudder* Creepy little squinty eyes staring at you, that'd be offputting as hell ...
KERN: Who's Noodle?
MURDOC: Our guitarist. I dunno when this is set, but when the band first started out, she was ten years old. We found her in a box, y'know.
LABURNUM *to Logan and Kern* See why I love this band? I challenge you to find a live-action band with a backstory that's that much fun.
LOGAN: How about Spinal Tap?
Jamie jabbed his tongue into Damon's mouth, and their tongues wrestled as their bodies reacted to the new experiences. More beers leapt into both of their mouths
LABURNUM: That's some excitable beer.
MURDOC: Wonder where they get it. Could be useful, leaves your hands free ...
LOGAN: We're going to wish we had some of those beers before long if this fic gets much worse.
and it became hotter, the smoke from the heavy smoking obscuring them from view.
FOXGLOVE: Someone call for the Department of Redundancy Department?
LABURNUM: ... and that's what most people sound like when they pass a kidney stone!
Multiple scared voices pierced the gentle moment, and Jamie was thrown off of Damon and was jolted to the other side of the limo, where the the limo split in half, separating the two lovers.
FOXGLOVE: "Lovers"? They haven't really done anything yet.
LABURNUM: Don't encourage them.
KERN: I was thinking more Darth Vader at the end of Revenge of the Sith, but that works, too.
LOGAN: Did you know that Robot Chicken did an opera version of The Wrath of Khan?
LOGAN: Pure awesome.
Damon and Jamie both screeched, now in a panicked state. "Don't die! Where the fuck are you??"
MURDOC: Hey, they've started speaking in unison.
FOXGLOVE: WE ARE BADFIC. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
Looking around, All Damon and Jamie saw were flames coming from the split car.
MURDOC: *squints at screen* I'm pretty sure this wreck is physically impossible. Cars don't tend to split in half and burst into flame at the drop of a hat. Trust me, I've been in enough car wrecks to know how they work.
LOGAN: And of course a single burning wheel has to roll out of the wreckage, as demanded by the Laws of Comedy ...
Having finally located each other, they both clung onto each other, shaking from head to toe.
MURDOC: Wait, wait, where did we go? Are we still in the car? Kill us off already, why don't ya?!
LABURNUM: *monotone* ... then they crashed their car which the band teleported away from ...
Damon's beautiful face was one of deep concern for the cartoonist, and he leaned forward to peck him on the cheek. They soon headed back to Damon's house. Unaware that someone was tailing them.
Once back in Damon's bedroom, the two men layed next to each other, smelling each other's scent.
FOXGLOVE: Eww, didn't know guys could suffer from BPAL-crotch as well.
FOXGLOVE: Don't ask.
Jamie began nuzzling Damon's neck, licking in little circles all over his face. Taking off his shirt, Jamie kissed Damon with such ferocity, his breathing became heavier,
LOGAN: Until it crushed them.
and Damon pressed his body against Jamie's. Flipping over so that Jamie was on the top, still facing him, he began working on the buttons on his lovers shirt to take it off. Rubbing in little circles, Jamie pinned Damon down on the bed, massaging his chest, straddling him, soon taking the other's member in the mouth, feeling the other man moan hungrily.
FOXGLOVE: *raps* "Just enjoy the gritty crunch, it tastes just like chicken!" *high-fives Laburnum across Murdoc*
MURDOC: Great, I'm never gonna be able to play that song again without picturing this ...
KERN: That's what brain bleach is for.
Five minutes later, Jamie was naked, erection at a maximum,
LOGAN: *as Scotty with baaad Scottish accent* I'm giving it all she's got, Captain. She won't hold!
KERN: *as Admiral Ackbar, bad gravelly voice* Concentrate all firepower on that Super Star Destroyer.
FOXGLOVE: Thanks. You've now ruined both Star Wars and Star Trek for me. Hope you two are happy.
MURDOC: "She"? That's not weird at all...
and working on getting the horny Damon naked as well. Rolling around, all the clothes came off and discarded in a shoddy pile off to the side,
KERN: They're successful entertainers. Surely they can afford better clothes than "shoddy"?
FOXGLOVE: Fits with the quality of the writing, though.
and they sank together on the sheets. Hickeys followed suit
LOGAN: Makes it sound like they're playing Bridge.
KERN: Who are the Hickeys, then?
LOGAN: A nice old couple from down the road... Remember that the house is the entirety of England. There must be no shortage of people whenever Jamie wants a card game.
as they rustled around in the sheets ready for the big moment. "Its my turn on the top." Damon muttered,
LOGAN: On the top?
FOXGLOVE: They had a big spinning top that they took turns at riding on through the whole of England. When not shagging each other, of course!
and Jamie followed suit,
LOGAN: Again with the card playing! That would make for a disturbing game of cards, interrupting the hands while half the players go off and have sex.
KERN: And forcing poor old Mr and Mrs Hickey to watch, too!
getting himself ready for the ultimate reward. "I love you." Damon muttered.
"I love you too. You want to??" Jamie asked, fearing the answer no.
LOGAN: *as Jamie, a la Knights who say "Ni"* "That is the word we cannot hear!"
KERN: What, "no"?
LOGAN: *winces* Don't say that word!
"Do I ever."
Damon aimed, and entered Jamie with such a force that caused him to give a moan of pain,
MURDOC: Since he's not using lube, I'm not surprised. Don't know about blokes, but girls kill you for trying that. Believe me.
LOGAN: *winces* I'm going to need alcohol. I can't face this sober. *rummages in bag, pulls out bottle of iced tea* This would be so much better with several shots of vodka in it.
LABURNUM: It's not that bad, ya wuss.
FOXGLOVE: Damn right.
LOGAN, KERN, & MURDOC: *stare*
LABURNUM: *sigh* Look, every character involved is consenting and of a compatible species, the author seems to know roughly what goes where or at least is using description vague enough to conceal it if she doesn't, and she's not using phrases like "throbbing lavender man-fruit thing". By this point, that's all we ask.
KERN: Ugh, don't mention that word.
LABURNUM: What, "lavender"?
KERN: *winces* Yes.
LOGAN: Don't mind him, someone linked him to "Celebrian" a while back and he still hasn't gotten over it.
MURDOC: What's "Celeb"-
LOGAN: Don't ask! Just ... don't. *shudders*
and then pleasure. He began thrusting, weak at first, but then as his body took over, the thrusts became almost violent, as he thrust deeper and deeper into Jamie. Hands clawed at each other's bodies
FOXGLOVE: Hey, look, Thing's back!
LOGAN: And he brought a friend.
as a thin layer of sweat made the couple shiny. Jamie reached his climax first, releasing all over the silky sheets. Damon soon followed, filling Jamie up with his sticky liquid, but did not cease his thrusting..
LABURNUM: I'm pretty sure a normal guy would have to stop at that point. Can any of you guys confirm that?
MURDOC: Well, if you're on some really heavy drugs ...
LOGAN: No comment.
"MRRRRRRRRR harder" Jamie gasped
ALL: *try gasping 'MRRRRR harder'*
LOGAN: *gives himself hiccups trying*
Finally, when all was done, the two men fell asleep in each other's arms, a mischevious smile on each of their faces.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! Bang!
MURDOC: Didn't they already finish doing tha-
FOXGLOVE: *hits him with a cushion* I don't get to make dirty jokes in these things without being stopped, so nor do you.
LABURNUM: *sings badly* "Then on that night, there's a banging in the night, and you yell 'what the hell is that row?' ..."
MURDOC: Doesn't everyone get murdered by pirates in that song? Might make this stupid thing better if that happened.
the door to the front door flew open
FOXGLOVE: Hold on, the door to the front door?
KERN: The Department of Redundancy Department strikes again.
and the intruder found its way to the top and knocked down the bedroom door, exposing the couple.
LOGAN: My thoughts exactly.
It was Murdoc Niccals, naked with 2d.
MURDOC: *groans* Oh, please, please tell me we're not gonna join in ...
NAOMI: *calling from projection booth* Okay, guys, give us a minute to load up Reel 2 ...
LOGAN: So, while we wait; who's 2D?
MURDOC: Singer and keyboardist for Gorillaz. Blue-haired pretty boy with big holes where his eyes should be. Voice of an angel, smile of an angel, brains of a rock, and I'm not talking about a smart rock. Real name Stuart Pot, otherwise known as Stu-Pot, Two Dents, Dent-Head, Dullard, Faceache, Tosspot ... and for some reason the fans think I actually like the idiot. *shudders*
LABURNUM: Not all of them. Some of 'em just think you're doing unspeakable things to him. Not sure which is worse from your point of view. Okay, you already beat him up, kidnapped him, and ran him over a couple times, but ...
FOXGLOVE: Oh yeah, like our first mission with you guys ... *imitating 2D with bad falsetto* "Holy fucking shit, he's gonna rape me!" *Foxglove and Laburnum both burst into giggles*
MURDOC: *choking noise which could be either laughter or horror*
LABURNUM: It was funnier in context, trust me.
MURDOC: Y'know, I'm pretty sure making fun of a bloke while he's getting raped earns you a direct ticket to Hell.
LABURNUM: You're a Satanist, what do you care?
MURDOC: Yes, and I'd quite like not to have to spend eternity in your company, so you two clean up your act, y'hear me? Five minutes is bad enough.
(5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...)
So Here is the second part!! I had this posted on Deviantart for a while, but Here it is!!
LABURNUM: *bad falsetto, as the author* "I'M RIDICULOUSLY OVEREXCITED!!"
Pairing: Brief 2dxmurdoc but mostly Jamie/Damon
MURDOC: Oi, writer-type bint! You're humiliatin' me enough in this, the least you can do is capitalise my bloody name!
Disclaimer: No, I dont know them, and this didnt happen....yet. harharh
Damon Albarn and Jamie Hewlett froze in mid-romp,
FOXGLOVE: Wait, hadn't they already finished?
LOGAN: Maybe they started again?
KERN: I hope not, I'd like this to end some time today.
immediately turning pink at the sight of 2d and Murdoc.
LABURNUM: Didn't you both die in the car wreck last chapter?
MURDOC: *shrugs* We got better.
Untangling himself from the silky blankets in the king sized bed that they were both sleeping in, Jamie waddled over to where 2d and Murdoc stood in the doorway,
LABURNUM: *as Damon, also as Arthur Dent* "Jamie, you're turning into a penguin! Stop it!"
FOXGLOVE: That's what happens when your lower region hardens. Makes it hard to walk when it gets to your knees.
LOGAN: Hmm... Sounds like hemlock. Hang on, the only drink described so far has been the jumping beer! Beer made of hemlock, that's just bad.
KERN: Well, there had to be something wrong with beer that jumps into your mouth.
LABURNUM: What's he got to do with- oh, yeah, the poison. My mistake. Never mind.
looking at their astonished faces, not worried about his current nudity.
"Aw Damon! You couldn't be bothered to lock the fucking door could you?" Jamie snarled at a startled Damon.
FOXGLOVE: Oh, that's a nice way to talk to your boyfriend.
"Um..I thought I did." Damon clearly was crushed,
LABURNUM: So he's dead? Yay! It's over!
yet still naked, and thus was not going to get out of bed. His heart raced as he looked at how his butt was so inviting.
FOXGLOVE: *tilts head* That's one really flexible neck he's got.
MURDOC: Sheesh, and I thought I was a narcissist ... then again, I actually am that awesome.
Trying to look innocent, Damon switched his view to look at Murdoc.
ALL: *turn and stare at Murdoc*
MURDOC: Cut that shit out!
"Damon, Jamie, some media people want to meet with ya. They called us first, but we sent them over to you, but you wouldn't answer. I figured you were rustling in Dames' right butt pocket!!”
FOXGLOVE: *sings badly* "We could be like ole Bill Sykes, if we pick a pocket or-"
MURDOC: *thwaps Foxglove over the head*
Murdoc sneered as he pulled up his trousers and buckling his belt. Looking the astonished pair over, Murdoc smirked widely, clearly imagining what was happening previously.
MURDOC: Why would I want to? And for that matter, why the hell did they have my clothes in their room?
"Wh-wh-what did they want?" Jamie stuttered, hastily turning around and grabbing his clothes and pulling them over his well defined body.
"Well, I wouldn't go anywhere looking the way you are." Murdoc drawled, pulling 2D by the arm into the room and then shutting the door behind them. His eyes fell on an empty bottle of lubricant.
LABURNUM: Which was conspicuously absent during the sex scene, so what the hell is it doing there now?
FOXGLOVE: There's ALWAYS time for lubrication!
"You look like you just had sex Jamie.
MURDOC: *faking surprise* Wow, holy shit, do they really?
KERN: Who's "sex Jamie", as opposed to the real Jamie?
MURDOC: Dunno, but you can probably buy one online.
I can tell by the way you're hair is matted with Satan knows what.
LABURNUM: Not that I'd know, but I'm pretty sure that if it's in their hair, they're really doing it wrong.
KERN: You haven't picked that up from all the smut you spork?
LABURNUM: It's sort of taken for granted that the smut we spork is definitely doing it wrong, so I don't have much experience with what the correct way looks like.
MURDOC: Well, if the writer's talking about the hair on their heads, anyway-
So what I'm saying is, take a shower."
LABURNUM: Murdoc Niccals is encouraging someone to take a shower? Now that's a character rupture if ever I saw one.
LABURNUM: Oh, come on, you smell like something nested in your hair and died!
MURDOC: Right, that does it! *smacks her repeatedly over the head with a cushion* Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!
LABURNUM: Ow! Dude, you're - ow! - forty-three, aren't you - ow! - a little old for pillow fights? *picks up another cushion and hits him, Foxglove joins in*
LOGAN and KERN: *share a bemused look, decide "Oh, what the heck", and join in*
(All five riffers wind up wrestling on the floor, out of the camera's range of view. There is a string of loud thumps, laughing, swearing, and shouting. The fic is paused.)
LABURNUM: Get his legs, guys!
LOGAN: Ow, not the face!
MURDOC: Gyah! Stop tickling me, ya cheatin' little bitch!
KERN: Ugh, are his elbows supposed to do that?
FOXGLOVE: OW FUCK HE JUST PUT HIS CIGARETTE OUT ON ME!
(Naomi leans out the projection booth.)
NAOMI: Guys, if you don't stop that and riff, I'll leave the doors locked after this is over and play it again.
(Riffers immediately stop fighting and sit back in their seats, looking innocent. Murdoc lights up a fresh Bleepette, checks to see nobody's looking, and flicks Laburnum's ear. She slaps his hand.)
FOXGLOVE: *leans over and pokes them both* Quit it!
(Fic starts playing again.)
Damon spoke up. "Uh, so we will take showers. So why are they so obsessed? Why now? We already answered questions about the car crash." Shifting uncomfortably in the bed, his mind began to race, "What? How dare he talk about him like that. He looks regretful, is he really mad at me?
KERN: Who in the what now? Who does? Who's talking? What the heck?
FOXGLOVE: Ah, the Pronoun Problem rears its ugly head.
It wasn't my fault, completely, we both wanted it so bad. And now with stupid 2D and Murdoc barging in, our happiness may be ruined forever." Sinking down into the bed again, Damon fell asleep, his angelic features showing a trace of worry.
MURDOC: Oi! Damon, I'm still talking to you! Wake up, you lazy bugger!
"Listen. Jamie, Damon, Dennis Hopper has been interrogated on the well being and behavior of you two. Luckily, he hasn't said anything..yet. There have been some rumors. Actually, Jack Nicholson swears he saw you buy a book on gay sex.
LOGAN: Sounds like they need an instruction manual, though, considering the absence of lube in the previous chapter.
MURDOC: And their lack of aim, if it ended up in their hair.
Luckily for you guys, I have a heart for you,
KERN: *looks edgeways at Murdoc* What's he doing with random body parts?
LOGAN: *to Laburnum* Did you invite us to a MST with a serial killer?
MURDOC: Yes. *chuckles evilly and bares his teeth*
LABURNUM: No, we did not. Ignore him, he's harmless.
MURDOC: Oi! *pokes her in the kidneys*
LABURNUM: Ow! Okay, not that harmless.
MURDOC: That's better.
and I don't want this brilliant establishment to go down. Uh..Support, and stuff like that" Murdoc looked out the window, where the bodyguards flank the hallway,
LOGAN: The hallway is outside their window?!?
LABURNUM: So not only does their house cover the whole of England, it was built by Escher?
KERN: Sounds like the establishment needs support if the structure's that bad.
MURDOC: Actually, that rather does sound like Kong Studios. The Hellhole made some weird things happen to the building sometimes. *sighs* Ah, memories.
trying to restrain a fan who was trying to just get an autograph. He sighed and turned around, waking Damon from his nap. "Well anyway, you really need to get clean in a haste, cuz otherwise our image may be ruined. Wol Damon, not ony that, but your relationship with your girlfriend Suzi."
FOXGLOVE: No connection to that kid from the OFUR, I assume?
LABURNUM: Were those just typos, or was that one sentence written in an attempt at a Funetik Aksent?
MURDOC: *slightly worried* ... I don't sound like that, do I?
"Suzi..." Damon peered worriedly at Murdoc, his mind scrambling around in his head.
KERN: His brain is loose in his skull?
LOGAN: And it can move by itself?
LABURNUM: *as Damon's brain* "That's it, I'm outta here!" *places finger to head and moves it outward, making "wheee" noise, and falls over, landing in Murdoc's lap*
MURDOC: *shoves her off* Stop that! *to self* Huh, never thought I'd be objecting to having a fangirl lying on me ...
"How could he have almost forgotten?" he thought. "She was his girlfriend since Justine left him.
LABURNUM: Wait, he's narrating his own thoughts aloud in third person?
KERN: Well, that makes more sense than the rest of this fic.
It would be their anniversary of their date, and he was going to propose to her tonight.
FOXGLOVE: That makes it sound like he was going to propose after only one date.
LOGAN: And he was going to wait a whole year after their one and only date to propose.
LABURNUM: How's she supposed to even remember who he is by now?
LOGAN: *as Damon* "Hi, not sure if you remember me, but we went out once last year, and I never called or spoke to you since, but, you know, I was wondering if, um, you'd marry me?"
MURDOC: *as Suzi with bad falsetto* "You're that famous guy, right? Okay then!"
OTHERS: *shudder violently*
LABURNUM: Please don't do that again.
But that was then. This is now. Somehow his love for Suzi died, and he could feel her heart breaking
FOXGLOVE: Damon's a girl now?
MURDOC: I knew it!
as he thought about what he must do. No. I can't break up with her. But if the media gets a hold of what Jamie and I have been doing, she will dump me, and I…don't know if I can handle that. But I did cheat on her, first with Graham, and now Jamie.
LABURNUM: Then you deserve what you get, moron.
MURDOC: Whoo! Someone's bitter!
LABURNUM: Nah, I'm just a jerk.
KERN: Who's Graham?
MURDOC: One of Damon's old bandmates from Blur, I think. Unless this is a different Graham. I dunno, I can't keep track of who I've been sleeping with, never mind him ...
But I'm over Graham, though his coma in the hospital still shocks me."
FOXGLOVE: His what? When did that happen?
LOGAN: It may be just me, but I read that as Graham being in a coma in the "hospital still". As if he'd drunk so much moonshine he was in a coma.
KERN: Damon and Jamie are the Dukes of Hazzard, then?
LOGAN: Guess that makes Murdoc Boss Hogg...
MURDOC: Oi! Fuck you, you little runt.
His eyes filled with tears, reflecting twice as much light as they normally do.
KERN: First he turns into a girl, now he's become an anime character?
"Uh Damon? I 'erd from the hospital. They said summink about Graham being ok." 2D tried to be helpful.
LOGAN: Oh look, it's a Deus Ex Machina!
LOGAN: Hiding behind that seat over there. Oh wait, it's run away.
"Graham is just fine, he's up and around. Faceache here doesn't know wat he's talking about."
KERN: But he just said Graham was fine and you agreed with him ...
LOGAN: Obviously slept off the moonshine coma. That's it.
MURDOC: I mean in general. I told you, brains of a rock.
Murdoc finished. “Jamie, are you aware what happened previously?”
“About Damon shagging Graham, yeah I do actually. Pity they broke up.”
FOXGLOVE: Why do you think it's a pity, since he's now fucking you?
LABURNUM: I dunno, maybe he's thinking of a threesome?
Jamie answered, looking back at Damon. “Dames…”
LABURNUM: Cross between Damon and James. First they were speaking in unison, now they're merging into one character.
MURDOC: Congratulations, that mental image is gonna replace the one where I wake up next to Shaun Ryder in my nightmares.
“Murdoc, give us a moment to get dressed and showered.” Burrowing underneath the silky covers, his back touched a damp spot in the covers.
LABURNUM: Like a horrible wet mushr-
FOXGLOVE: *reaches over Murdoc and pokes Laburnum* What did we say about the squicky riffs?
KERN: What's so bad about mushrooms?
FOXGLOVE: You don't wanna know.
“GO AWAY MURDOC!”
MURDOC: Okay. *gets up and heads for the door*
FOXGLOVE: *grabs his belt* No. Bad bassist. Sit.
MURDOC: *sits back down, scowling*
Humming “Heaven and Hell,” Murdoc sauntered out of the room, 2D following closely behind. Once outside, they waited by the limo that would take Jamie and Damon to the studio where the crew was already waiting for an interview. Smiling at the paparazzi, Murdoc kissed 2d, fiddling with his buttcheeks.
LABURNUM: *to Murdoc* You can snog 2D and smile for the cameras at the same time? I didn't know you had two heads.
MURDOC: 'Course I do. *smirks and grabs his crotch*
“Uh, Murdoc? Aren't they not supposed to know about this?”
MURDOC: 'Course not, that's why I'm doin' it in public, Tosspot! *sighs* At least they got the dullard's IQ right.
2D was astonished at Murdoc's bravery and was beginning to wonder whether he was again just using him. He couldn't help the fact that his face began to heat up, and then spreading the heat throughout the rest of his body.
FOXGLOVE: Murdoc's trying to cook him? Weird thing to do to the guy you're snogging.
MURDOC: Well, I'm sure that's somebody's fetish.
He slowly parted his lips, allowing Murdoc's supernaturally long tongue enty into his mouth,
KERN: What's a "tongue enty"?
LOGAN: And why is Murdoc's "supernaturally long"?
KERN: Maybe they mean "Entish tongue"?
LABURNUM: Murdoc's an Ent in this, now?
FOXGLOVE: And do Ents even have tongues?
MURDOC: Actually, fellers, they got that bit right. One of the few bits they did. *extends his tongue - it reaches his shoulder*
LOGAN & KERN: Ewwww.
MURDOC: Hey, it's useful. *holds Foxglove's braid out of the way, unfastens her earring with his tongue, spits it out, and hands it to her* See?
FOXGLOVE: ... So, you doing anything later?
MURDOC: *stares at her* You look like you're eight. I do have some standards.
LABURNUM: I keep telling you, Fox, you're nineteen years old, it's time to permanently lose the pigtails!
where it explored his mouth,
LOGAN: *as Murdoc* "I claim this molar in the name of Jamie's house, England!"
massaging the gap where the front two teeth should be. “Muh..Murdoc” 2D tried to speak, but instead he responded, kissing Murdoc deeply, lights flashing in front of his closed eyes.
FOXGLOVE: *sings incredibly badly* "Surrounded by so many and they're starin' at my face, they're thinkin' ‘bout my problem –"
LABURNUM: *joins Foxglove in song, equally badly* "I'm totally addicted to bass!"
KERN: *beatboxes* BWAAAR-BWAAR-BWAAAAAR
LOGAN: *falsetto* Wa-o wa-o-
MURDOC: All of you, stop that! My pet raven sings better than you lot!
LOGAN: Quoth the raven: "Eat my shorts".
MURDOC: Stupid little punk...
“I'm dreaming, I must be. Murdoc would rather beat me up than kiss me.”
MURDOC: Damn right.
LABURNUM: Aww, don't be like that. Didn't you know every time you snog a guy an angel loses its wings? And explodes?
MURDOC: Very funny.
LABURNUM: So are you gonna test that or what?
LOGAN: Don't look at me!
MURDOC: Keep in mind that you have a lot of hair and I have a lit cigarette.
Murdoc broke away from 2D and waved at the cameras.
FOXGLOVE: Well, at least attention-seeking is in-character.
MURDOC: Yep. *turns around and waves frantically at the camera, grinning broadly*
A stout gray haired woman bumped into 2D, knocking him over. Grabbing onto Murdoc, 2D very carefully steadied himself, trying to tell Murdoc to move.
“How long have you been seeing each other?”
LABURNUM: Don't know if they technically can both "see" each other. What with all the eyesquick 2D's been through I don't know how much vision he has left ...
“Will this change the way Gorillaz functions?”
MURDOC: Well, duh!
“What would Paula Cracker say about your relationship?”
KERN: What's that got to do with the price of fish?
MURDOC: Paula is 2D's ex. She was in the band, but there was some ... unpleasantness ... which was totally not my fault, I swear. I can't imagine why either of us would care what she thought now, though.
FOXGLOVE: 'Specially since rumour has it you've been keeping her in a box under your bed.
MURDOC: Uh, yeah ... don't believe everything you hear, kid. Ahem.
The questions didn't stop there. They began to ask very personal questions, and finally Murdoc had it. Raising a shotgun over his head, he shot once into the sky, and the stout lady fainted. “NEVER MENTION PAULA EVER AGAIN!”
MURDOC: *blinks, stunned* Did I just Malletspace? *reaches hand behind back, attempts to pull out shotgun, fails* Didn't know I could do that. *tries again, fails*
LABURNUM: Either that or you pulled it out of 2D's nether regions.
LOGAN: 2D is Deadpool? Whoa!
OTHERS: *looks at him blankly*
LOGAN: Y'know, the Merc with a Mouth.
OTHERS: *still looks at him blankly*
LOGAN: *catches on* Oh... Um... Deadpool also has the ability to manifest weaponry from nowhere, but he explains it as "involving an awful lot of lubricant".
OTHERS: *continues looking at him blankly*
“NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU STARTLED EDITH CUMMINK!”
MURDOC: *tries and fails to hide sniggering*
“Get out get out!!” Murdoc shouted as he leaped into the limo, hiding underneath the seat. “Let's Go already!”
MURDOC: Good idea! *stands up and heads for door*
LABURNUM: *grabs his belt in one hand and picks up her axe with the other* Don't even try it.
MURDOC: *sits back down sulkily and flips her off*
He began then to laugh at Edith Cummink's name and just could not stop laughing.
LABURNUM: Well, let's be fair, that is in-character.
MURDOC: *fakes indignation* Hey!
FOXGLOVE: Don't try to deny it. You're the guy who told an interviewer you were cheered up in jail by the fact that when you typed your file number into a calculator and turned it upside-down it came out as "666 BOOBIE". When you were thirty-six years old.
MURDOC: *sniggers* Oh yeah, that.
“We have to wait for Jamie and Damon. Then we will drive the interview.”
LOGAN: Never heard of that kind of car.
KERN: Very rare Eastern European model, the Interview. Didn't sell well in the West. Maybe it was cause it only had three wheels.
The sunglassed driver, a sturdily built sunglassed woman
LABURNUM: Y'know, I think she may have been wearing sunglasses.
with her hair cut in a reverse bob cut, tapped her fingers impatiently against the steering wheel. Jamie and Damon finally emerged from the house, and the paparazzi swarmed around them, writing furiously, taking note of the way Damon's eyes were sparkling.
LOGAN: *points* SUE!! SUE!!
LABURNUM: What? Where?
LOGAN: Damon. He's sparkling. He must be possessed. Avaunt, demons of Bad Slash, Avaunt, I say!
MURDOC: *shudders* Twilight has a lot to answer for.
Stepping into the limo, Jamie slammed the door, where they sped off towards the direction of the media people.
LABURNUM: If it was me, I'd be going away from them.
Damon crawled toward Jamie, and gently leaned his head against his shoulder. Jamie harshly pushed Damon away, scowling at the paparazzi cars behind them. “Not now.”
MURDOC: Well, yeah. You fellers do know Faceache and I are still in the car, right? I didn't think we were that easy to miss.
Damon felt his eyes burn, and he turned towards the tinted window, trying to keep his lip from trembling. Breathing slowly,
KERN: *imitates Darth Vader heavy breathing*
Damon tried to maintain his composure, but he felt himself sniff, tears rolling down his perfect cheek.
LOGAN: Told you he was a Sue!
Wiping them away, he did not look at Jamie, and he could only think how shitty this day really was, and how for sure Suzi was going to leave him.
FOXGLOVE: Since he's in love with or at least shagging someone else, why does he care?
LABURNUM: Like I said, threesome.
He sniffed again, aware that 2D and Murdoc decided to make some use of the long ride.
MURDOC: By shooting at passing cars with the Malletspace shotgun. *tries again to produce shotgun, fails* Fuck! Where'd the stupid thing go?
KERN: Give it up, it's not going to work.
Damon's silent sobbing bounced the limo seat a bit, and roused Jamie from his nap. Sitting up, startled, Jamie turned to Damon, concern etching his face.
LOGAN: *in very bad German accent* Aaaaah! Zese gogg-uls, zey do nuh-sing!
LOGAN: Someone spilt some concern in the limo, and now it's etching Jamie's face. Dangerous stuff, concern, especially if it gets in your eyes.
KERN: Remind me to throw out all your Simpsons DVDs when we get back to the RC...
LOGAN: You think that will be enough to stop me quoting without mercy? I have them memorised.
“Damon, are you ok? Did I push on too hard? Do you need some Ibuprofen?”
LABURNUM: Dunno about him, but I certainly do.
Jamie tried to look into Damon's eyes, but he resisted.
“N-no, it's not that, it's just, I'm just stressed I guess.”
MURDOC: He's a poet and he didn't know it.
Damon couldn't hold his silent sobs any longer, and began to cry audibly, looking out the window.
“Damon, talk to me here, it's clear you're upset about something. Is it because Suzi will dump your ass when she finds out about us?”
FOXGLOVE: Thank you, Mr Tactful.
Jamie scooted closer to Damon, arm reaching out, carefully touching his shoulder, then gently reaching up and cupping Damon's chin in his hand, making Damon look at him. “He is gorgeous like this,” Jamie couldn't help thinking to himself, while still desperately thinking about what he did.
“No. It's not about Suzi.” Damon's eyes were blurry from the tears that were gathering there, and Jamie's face swam in front of his eyes.
KERN: Jamie's face is detachable? And able to swim by itself?
LOGAN: Yeah, and it's much faster in the water than his eyes, 'cause it's in front of them.
FOXGLOVE: *sings badly* Wearing a face that he keeps in a jar by the door, who is it for?
MURDOC: This is reminding me uncomfortably of a few of my bad trips. What's this writer on, and why isn't she sharing?
LABURNUM: Something that made her think this fic was a good idea, I hasten to remind you.
MURDOC: *wince* Okay, maybe I don't want to share it.
FOXGLOVE: *as Damon* ... are the demons!
LABURNUM: And you said my Eye of Argon reference was obscure?
“Damon, you know that's not what I meant! I'm sorry, please don't cry, it will be alright, I love you. Here, come here. I didn't mean to mention Graham.”
FOXGLOVE: *confused* But they weren't talking about Graham ...
LOGAN: Don't mention the war! I did, but I think I got away with it.
Jamie embraced Damon, finally cradling him in his arms, letting some tears of his own fall, holding Damon tight, running his hands through his partially damp hair, feeling Damon's body tremble with his tears.
LABURNUM: Inner torment equals an 8.5 on the Richter scale.
Tilting Damon's head up, he planted a deep kiss on his lips, full of passion, yet not aggressive. The other man responded, whimpering as he wrapped his arms around Jamies neck.
MURDOC: And strangled him.
LABURNUM & FOXGLOVE: *in perfect unison* DEATH BY SHONEN-AI! *high-five across Murdoc*
MURDOC: Stop that!
Holding the other close, Jamie whispered sweet things in Damon's hair, patting his arm ever so gently. Damon closed his eyes, falling asleep in his arms.
"Guys, we are almost there, time to get all ready to go." "Inside of You" by Hoobastank was playing, and the backseat of the limo was silent. Stella, the chauffer
LOGAN: *discards shirt* "STEEEEEELLLLLLLAAAAAAAA!!!! STEEEEELLLLAAAAAA!!!! Can'tcha hear me yell-a, you put me through hell-a-"
KERN: Right, if you don't stop quoting the Simpsons, I will mind trick you so you forget every single episode. And put your shirt back on.
LOGAN: Shan't! If Murdoc doesn't have to, I don't have to. *mutters* Stupid no-fun Jedi.
KERN: *pretends not to notice, sighs, rummages for Bleeprin in his pockets*
pulled underneath the overhang of a hotel, where media swarmed around the limo like bees on a flower.
LABURNUM: Either that simile actually wasn't too bad, or this story's officially driven me insane.
KERN: Insane, I'm afraid.
Damon and Jamie gingerly got out of the limo, walking briskly into the hotel's conference room.
"Damon, are you planning on marrying Suzi?"
FOXGLOVE: *as Damon* "Who?"
"Jamie, what have you been up to?"
MURDOC: Dunno, but he's apparently been up in Da-
LABURNUM & FOXGLOVE: *simultaneously hit him*
The questions kept on flying, and Damon and Jamie walked in, sitting in office type chairs
LOGAN: "Type chairs", eh?
KERN: Yup, you're only allowed to use them when you're typing.
beside a big microphone. A handsome man with curly hair sat down beside the pair and introduced himself as Craig Markinee. He began asking questions about Gorillaz, but didnt stop there. He finally asked about the state of Graham, who fell off a balcony.
LABURNUM: And you didn't think we should be told this before you said he was in a coma?
LOGAN: Ah, so he fell off a balcony and landed in the still?
A slender African American woman sat next to Craig, revealing herself
ALL: *whoop and wolf-whistle*
to be Jennifer.
Taking the microphone next, she too began shooting
LOGAN: Watch out, Murdoc, she's got a Malletspace shotgun too!
MURDOC: *tries again to produce shotgun and unsurprisingly fails* Fuck!
questions at the exhausted pair. "Jamie has been brilliant with the Gorillaz project as well as Monkey: Journey to the West. Whats next for you Jamie? Do you think Damon is jealous of your drawing skills?"
FOXGLOVE: *as Jamie* "Yeah, but I'm jealous of his singing, so that's okay."
"Uhm, well we do get into fights about little things, but no, I don't think he is, see Gorillaz isn't just about one of us, its about both of us in a collaboration relationship.
MURDOC: What about me?
FOXGLOVE: Speaking of which, I can't help but wonder what happened to Noodle and Russel after the crash.
LABURNUM: *sigh* Nobody ever cares about Russel.
KERN: Who's Russel?
MURDOC: Exactly... Case in point.
FOXGLOVE: Look on the bright side, Burnsey. Maybe we don't get to see as much of Russel as we'd like, but we also don't have to see people doing things like this to him.
MURDOC: Lucky bastard.
Its not just about the audio, the visual portions are very important as well." Jamie was confused, wondering if maybe the stories have spread around about their relationship. Now Jamie was not sure whether the questions were just annoying, or meant to spill part of their private life.
LABURNUM: Well, duh. They're paparazzi, that's what they do.
"So Jamie, what are your plans? Are you planning on remaining single and concentrating on the projects? or is there a special someone that you would like to share?
LABURNUM: "Share"? Hey, she agrees with me about the threesome thing. Nice to see someone's thinking sensibly.
KERN: You have a very weird definition of "sensibly".
I'm sure whoever it is, they are very lucky to have you!"
Jamie froze, shock showing on his face. He quickly caught himself and laughed briefly. "Um, well no, there isn't anyone. See, I've been really busy, and haven't had time to think about my heart at all."
FOXGLOVE: *as Jamie* "I've been too busy with my lungs."
LOGAN: *also as Jamie* "I've really neglected my spleen recently, as well."
Jamie could feel Damon shift uncomfortably next to him, and felt ill at that moment.
MURDOC: So do I, but probably not for the same reason.
"Ooh, so very interesting. Tell me, are you looking for someone?" Jamie threw a nasty look at the reporter and scuffed out of the room, taking the limo to a place that was closed to media.
LOGAN: Like where? Fort Knox?
LABURNUM: Fear the details! Fear them!
"Heh, yeah, uh sorry about that, yeah, Jamie probably just had an idea about a new scene or something. He never runs away from things usually, but eh. he did. He's probably not looking for anybody.
FOXGLOVE: *as Damon* "The situation does not involve a large monster or two."
Sorry people." Damon tried to hide his embarrassment and the growing erection.
LABURNUM: Damn, he's got one hell of a hair-trigger there. Worse than Hemlock used to, and he was pretty bad for a while ...
MURDOC: Who's Hemlock?
LABURNUM: Um, nobody you'd know. *blushes*
"Thanks for having me, bye!"
LOGAN: So Jamie wasn't the only one "having Damon" in this fic? Sleeps around, doesn't he?
KERN: *thwaps Logan* Stop it, you, I'll have enough bad mental images from this as it is.
Waving at the cameras, Damon Albarn left the building, signing autographs as he passed.
FOXGLOVE: *bad Elvis accent* Damon has left the building.
Damon took a different limo back to the house and stepped inside the building dropping all his stuff on the floor. "Oh my god that was a fiasco. I know he just said that in front of the media, but oh my god now this makes things more complicated.
FOXGLOVE: *as Damon, with bad valley-girl accent* "Like, oh my god this is like totally bad! Oh my gawd!"
If Suzi was watching, well, he did not want to think about that. He stretched out on the couch, dozing a bit, not stirring when Jamie stomped down the stairs.
LABURNUM: So he's narcoleptic, then? This is the third time this chapter he's randomly fallen asleep.
LOGAN: He's sleeping around in more ways than one-
KERN: *thwaps Logan again*
"Oh my...he's beautiful," Jamie thought, concentrating on how serious Damon looked as he was sleeping. Damon stirred, and without waking up, shifted so he was about to fall off the couch. Jamie moved closer, eager to touch him again.
FOXGLOVE: *makes jabbing motions with finger* Pokey pokey poke ... *jabs Murdoc*
MURDOC: Stop that!
"Hey, I'm sorry for how I treated you in the limo. I have no excuses for my behavior." Jamie moved closer, holding his arms so that he would catch Damon if he fell. Damon blearily opened his eyes and stared confusedly at Jamie, who was right over him.
FOXGLOVE: *as Damon* "Are you my mother?"
"Jamie! what are you doing here? you aren't supposed to be here with me!" Damon exclaimed.
"What are you talking about? we are totally sharing this house." Jamie replied.
LABURNUM: Would save them some effort, since at the beginning they seemed to end up teleporting between each other's houses.
LOGAN: Maybe that's where Murdoc got his ability to teleport from the burning wreckage of the car?
"No we aren't. I have to propose to Suzi now..."
MURDOC: Why? You barely remembered she existed till now.
"Werent you going to?"
"No, I wasn't.
But if I dont..."
"..You can live happily ever after with me."
Damon couldn't argue with that
LABURNUM: We can!
and climbed into Jamie's arms, his arms around Jamie's neck, nuzzling him softly. "You're right! So what if we are discovered? I love you too much to let you go."
FOXGLOVE: *as Jamie* "That's a shame, because you're choking me!"
Damon began to kiss Jamie, eyes pressed closed, moaning softly, as he pulls Jamie's shirt off, rubbing his hands against Jamie's chest in circles.
(Riffers simultaneously head-tilt a la the donkey show scene in Clerks 2.)
LOGAN: He's hanging from Jamie's arms with his hands around Jamie's neck, and somehow he can pull Jamie's shirt off? Didn't realise Damon was one of those magicians pulling a tablecloth off a table without spilling anything.
Jamie responded, sliding his hands underneath Damon's shirt, feeling the warmth of his skin radiating from his body.
FOXGLOVE: His skin's radiating from his body? Sounds painful.
Sliding his shirt off, Jamie continued to kiss Damon with such warmth that both men felt a hot feeling in the nether regions of their body, as their bodies rubbed together firmly.
KERN: *as Jamie* "Ow, ow, friction burns!"
Jamie's hands hovered at Damon's pants, unsure if he should continue.
MURDOC: Then stop? It might save a few of my remaining brain cells.
Damon smiled in a "Go On" sort of way. Jamie hesitated, blinking in the bright sunlight that poured through the windows,
LABURNUM: *as Jamie* "AAAH! NATURAL LIGHT! I'M MEEELTIIING!"
and began to fumble around with Damon's buttons, eventually getting them off, sliding the boxers down with him, though making Damon hornier than hell.
MURDOC: Y'know, in the local slang where I'm from, to "take a slash" means to piss. I find out the Internet meaning, I look at stuff like this, and I can't help but think that's scarily appropriate.
"Come here you. Damon giggled, once naked, his hands darted across, grabbing the lump in Jamie's jeans. Leaning down, he undid the buttons, but unzipped the zipper with his teeth, feeling the lump.
LOGAN: He really should get the doctor to look at that. Might be cancerous.
MURDOC: That or someone's pet ferret has escaped.
FOXGLOVE: Sheesh, I told the guys they have to keep Molly under better control ...
Damon slid Jamie's pants down slowly, making Jamie moan. Once they were both naked, they layed together, listening to each others heartbeats.
"Wanna have some more fun? Lets try something. Let's do a 69"
LABURNUM: *mimes holding up phone* "If you suffer from dyslexia, please press 96969696 ..."
Jamie moved himself so that he was over Damon, facing down, though so he was right near the ultimate treasure.
FOXGLOVE: *hums Indiana Jones theme music*
Leaning down with his whole body, he took the other in his mouth, and the other took him in his mouth, sucking deeply,
MURDOC: Wait a mo, did they ever end up taking that shower they were talking about? Because if they didn't, then Jamie's now got a mouthful of something that's just been up his own-
the others balls brushing their faces.
LABURNUM: *squinting* The other - wait, is there a third guy here?
KERN: Perhaps more. The author never mentioned what happened to 2D and Murdoc after the limo ride. Maybe they followed Jamie here, too?
MURDOC: *gesturing angrily with lit Bleepette* Dammit, she's forgotten about us again!
FOXGLOVE: *ducking out of the way* I can't imagine how!
LOGAN: Let me get this straight. They're in the middle of a badly-written sex scene, which is rapidly turning into an orgy, and you're annoyed that the author forgot about you?
MURDOC: I'm Murdoc bloody Niccals, how can anyone forget about me?
LABURNUM: Could have sworn your middle name was Faust.
MURDOC: *cuffs her over the head*
Jamie was in deep euphoria,
LABURNUM: He drowned. Euphoria's tough stuff to swim in.
and could only concentrate on Damon.
"J-Jamie, I'm gonna-" Damon moaned, and Jamie could feel the ejaculation was near, and began cumming as Damon removed his lips
FOXGLOVE: ... and put them in a box for safekeeping. They're losing body parts again.
LABURNUM: Could be worse. Remember that time Skipper of Otters "dropped his body"?
from his cock. Enjoying the sensation, Damon grabbed Jamie, and incidentally, the multiple pulses of cum covered his entire face and all over the couch.
FOXGLOVE: Eww, who's gonna clean that up?
LOGAN: They're going to really need that shower now.
MURDOC: It never stopped - oh, you mean Damon, not the writing?
Damon felt Jamies orgasm pass.
"AAAHH" Jamie was very vocal throughout the whole thing, occasionally letting out a scream.
LOGAN: Jamie has Tourette's now, huh?
LABURNUM: Very bland screaming there. Looks like Enoby was right, it is possible to scream "passively".
Jamie had the same fate,though Jamie grabbed him, rubbing it on his face, in his hair.
FOXGLOVE: He grabbed himself?
LOGAN: *sings, falsetto* "When I think about you, I touch myself ..."
Each pulse of cum became less powerful, and soon they collapsed, breathing in each other's scents. Righting themselves once more, they soon fell asleep on each other, exausted.
"Jamie...I cant imagine having that much fun with anyone else. I love you."
LOGAN: This really isn't my idea of fun.
"I love you too Damon." Jamie worked his tongue in circles on Damon's neck, eventually biting him and turning into hickeys.
KERN: Eew. Funny way of showing his love.
"Oh Jamie, what would I do without your sweet touch, your sweet eyes..your-"
FOXGLOVE: Maybe you'd finally have the chance to buy a thesaurus!
"WHAT? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS!" A female voice screamed at Damon, and he awoke with a start. Suzi was glaring at him, hurt clearly seen in her eyes. "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE I HATE YOU YOU SUCK I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA BE MARRIED AND HAVE A FAMILY. BUT NO. Did YOU ENJOY HIS CUM? CUZ YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ANY EVER AGAIN YOU WILL NEVER SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN"
(Riffers blink, then burst out laughing.)
MURDOC: *yelling up at projection booth* Play that bit again! Play it again! *takes out phone* I have got to figure out how to get that as my ringtone ...
NAOMI: *yelling from projection booth* Okay, give us a minute ...
"WHAT? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS!"
ALL: *in perfect unison, raising fists in the air* "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"
LABURNUM: *blinks at Murdoc* Didn't know you knew that one.
MURDOC: Everyone knows that one!
A female voice screamed at Damon, and he awoke with a start.
KERN: Wait, he was talking to Jamie a second ago. He sleeptalks?
LABURNUM: Told you he was narcoleptic.
Suzi was glaring at him, hurt clearly seen in her eyes.
LABURNUM: With perfectly good reason, given that he just cheated on her.
MURDOC: *grumbles* Yeah, and I bet Jamie ain't gonna get his nose broken in five places ... *sees Logan and Kern looking at him quizzically and touches his nose* What, you thought it looked like this naturally?
KERN: Actually, yeah.
MURDOC: *scowls and flips him off*
"YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE I HATE YOU YOU SUCK
MURDOC: Yep, he does indeed.
LOGAN: Just like this st-
MURDOC: Hey, I already did that one.
I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA BE MARRIED AND HAVE A FAMILY.
LOGAN: Impressive lung capacity she's got. Is she an opera singer, by any chance?
MURDOC: If I recall correctly, she's an artist. Damon seems to have a thing for them.
BUT NO. Did YOU ENJOY HIS CUM?
KERN: Why is ‘did' not capitalised?
FOXGLOVE: My laptop speakers blip like that sometimes. Maybe she's a cyborg.
MURDOC: Nah. Cyborgs aren't that articulate, their brain space tends to be taken up with extra guns.
FOXGLOVE: Only the cyborgs you build.
MURDOC: *genuinely confused* Why would anyone want to make a cyborg which doesn't have a lot of guns?
FOXGLOVE: Good point ...
CUZ YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ANY EVER AGAIN YOU WILL NEVER SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN"
MURDOC: Is she gonna kill them? Please say she's gonna kill them. Maybe that'll save this thing!
"Suzi? What? no. I can explain."
"Oh and how are you gonna do that?"
LABURNUM: Good point. Really, what kind of lie could you come up with to explain that?
FOXGLOVE: *as Damon* "Uh, we were rehearsing a play! About CPR! And I got the wrong body part by mistake!"
MURDOC: *sniggers* Okay, points for novelty value.
Damon was silent, shock reflected in his eyes as well. "Suzi, see the truth is-"
KERN: *as Damon* "-I lost my keys, and I was checking inside his clothes for them!"
LABURNUM: *as Damon* "-you said you wanted to try a threeway, so we thought we might as well get started while we waited for you!"
KERN: *to Laburnum* Sheesh, you have a one-track mind ...
LOGAN: *as Damon, also as Bill Clinton* "-I did not have sexual relations with that cartoonist!"
MURDOC: *as Damon* "-I heard that drinking semen is a great hangover cure!"
FOXGLOVE: *as Damon* "-I'm a total idiot who wasn't thinking about you at all!"
LABURNUM: Hey, Fox, no fair - it's no fun if it's the real reason.
"NO! You fucking cheated on me, with your partner."
LABURNUM: Yep, he did, and yet the author thinks it's somehow her fault. I hate seeing this kind of misogyny from female fanwriters ...
Damon's eyes had begun to water.
FOXGLOVE: Because Jamie was still holding onto his-
LABURNUM: Awgh, Fox!
LOGAN, KERN and MURDOC: *simultaneously wince and cross their legs*
"Oh no, I dont want to do this" he thought, "I don't want to tell her how I really feel about her."
LABURNUM: We don't particularly want you to either.
His lip began to tremble, and Jamie attempted to comfort him.
FOXGLOVE: Geez, Damon's a wuss in this ...
MURDOC: Sounds pretty much like his usual self to me.
Standing up, Damon squared his shoulders and looked at Suzi. "Suzi, i was gonna tell you sooner, but i was planning on proposing.
LOGAN: Why, since you apparently don't like her? And haven't seen her for a year?
and then the car crash happened, and my emotions got away with me and i fell in love with him. We can't see each other anymore, I'm just not feeling the love anymore.
KERN: *as Damon* "After all, we've only actually been on one date, so I don't know why I was planning to propose anyway."
You were too controlling and i don't like being controlled. Plus you have been saying some nasty shit about Jamie here, which didn't make me want to go along with the marriage. And the fact that you dont like gay marriage pisses me off too.[i dont really know what suzi's view on it is]"
FOXGLOVE: Whoo, that's cold. Someone really wants the token girl out of the way ...
LABURNUM: What the hell's wrong with him saying "sorry, I'm gay"? Or setting it at some point in time after they've broken up? Or, hell, threesome? It's fandom, threesomes solve everything.
LOGAN: Y'know, that's wouldn't make a half-bad bumper sticker: "It's fandom, threesomes solve everything."
Suzi threw a glass box at Damon,
MURDOC: Hey, I thought Malletspace was my thing here!
hitting him squarely in the chest. Jamie jumped up, trying to assess the cuts.
KERN: *as Jamie* "Okay, I'd give that cut an 'A', but the rest of them aren't as good quality, so only 'B's for them."
"YOU BITCH!" Jamie snarled at Suzi, who then ran right out the door only to be replaced by paparazzi, who jumped on the story.
FOXGLOVE: *bouncing in her seat* Wheee! Bouncy!
Bleeding profusely, Damon peered at Jamie, not caring that they were being photographed. His vision became fuzzy, and everything turned black.
MURDOC: This is not my idea of "yay".
FOXGLOVE: No, wait ... I think it's over.
(Tape ends, lights go up.)
MURDOC: Oh, well, in that case ...
(Drake, still in human form, leans out of the projection booth, far enough to reveal that he's no longer wearing anything.)
DRAKE: So, didja have fun?
(The riffers look up at him and blink. The male riffers cover their eyes. Kern eats a handful of Bleeprin as if it were candy.)
NAOMI: *from booth* I'm sorry, guys! I tried to make him keep his clothes on, I really did!
DRAKE: *looks back into the booth and whines* They took theirs off!
MURDOC: Okay, I believe you, ginger up there is a bloke! Now make him stop proving it!
LABURNUM: *squints up at Drake* Hey, Drake, I think your body hair is still white. I know nobody's gonna look normally, but you might want to set the Disguise Generator to fix that ...
FOXGLOVE: *hits Laburnum with a cushion* Stop encouraging him! *to Murdoc* Y'know, I can't help but notice you seem remarkably unconcerned by what that fic did to you.
MURDOC: You kidding? She thinks I can teleport! I thought I was gonna have to wait till I was dead before rumours like that started spreading. This is awesome!
(Other riffers look at each other.)
LABURNUM: *shrugs* Well, it's hard to make any noticeable damage to an ego that big. Still, I'd have thought you would be more bothered by ... y'know.
MURDOC: Well, given that according to the fanbrats I'm either secretly gay, a paedophile ... or hebephile, or whatever the hell the word is when the kid's fourteen ... or stuck with a Mary Sue, I think "gay" is probably the least horrifying option.
FOXGLOVE: *leans over slightly towards Logan and Kern, coughs* Canonically closet bi ... *cough*
MURDOC: What was that?
FOXGLOVE: *innocent* Nothing! Nothing ...
MURDOC: Ah, whatever. 'Sides, 2D does at least look sort of like a girl if you squint. Then again, I may just be thinking that because I'm currently sitting next to what are possibly the two most unattractive girls I've seen this year-
LABURNUM & FOXGLOVE: Hey!
MURDOC: Well, excuse me for not seeing the charms of crazy women who attack me with axes! Even I have to draw the line somewhere!
LOGAN: Alcohol! Now!
MURDOC: I like your style.
(Drake produces a crate of Bleepka and lowers it down from the booth. As the riffers uncork the bottles, a portal opens up and 2D appears, glancing round.)
2D: Murdoc? Someone said they saw you being dragged in here ... Oh, hi! Are you having a party?
LABURNUM: Oh, hey, 2D! Sort of, yeah. We're celebrating the end of another sporking.
KERN: *whispers to Murdoc* He's your lead singer?
MURDOC: *whispers back to Kern* Yeah, I know he sounds like a Muppet. His singing voice sounds a lot better than his speaking voice, trust me. *stands up, smiles ingratiatingly* Oi, Two Dents, would you mind standing still for a moment?
2D: *nervous* Why?
MURDOC: Just wanna test something ... *grabs 2D and starts patting him down, as if searching for something*
2D: Ow! What the- hey, that hurts! What are you doing?
MURDOC: *shoves one hand up 2D's shirt and rummages around* Nothing. *sing-song, as if calling a puppy* Heeere, shotgun ... *shoves hand down 2D's jeans*
2D: Ow! That's not a shotgun!
LABURNUM & FOXGLOVE: *both giggle uncontrollably, produce camera phones from their bags and try to hold them steady enough to film*
KERN: *whispers to L&F, indicating Murdoc feeling up 2D* Ah, maybe not-so-in-the-closet bi, now.
MURDOC: *remembers they're watching and flips them off* If those pictures end up online, I will find a way to sell your souls without your permission!
FOXGLOVE: *still giggling, looks at Laburnum and shrugs* Well, I guess we killed our chances of getting autographs.
MURDOC: Hey, I didn't say that.
LOGAN: *whispers to L&F* I see what you mean about the ego.
LABURNUM: *to Murdoc* Okay, quit feeding the subtext for the moment, I kind of think we might need your help with something.
MURDOC: *lets go of 2D, who hides in the corner* What the hell makes you think I want to help you?
LABURNUM: We're going to send a complaint to Upstairs about their idea of banning alcohol in here, and we need your, uh, unique level of vitriol.
MURDOC: *ponders for a moment* Okay, that I'll do. Anyone got a pencil?